Adventures.

There comes a time in a girl’s life when the only thing that can save you are Vanilla Lattes and Marlboro golds on summer nights.

My heart is missing. It said “this is too much”, packed it’s bags and ran away. It is probably sunbaking somewhere in sunny mexico. Meanwhile, i am hollow, lost and so very far from myself. Gone are the days when a monstrous cherry coke and latenight tv could suffice.

Sometimes a little self destruction isn’t such a bad thing. Sometimes a little distraction can prevent the worst. They say idle hands do the devils work. Well my idle mind might aswell be the devil.

I have been so judgmental my whole life. I pushed so many people & opportunities away for reasons i will never understand. And i can’t remember the last time i had a good look at myself. I can’t remember the last time i ever knew myself. 
When you spend so much time worrying and working toward what other people think is great, what other people want; you sort of forget what you think is great and what you want. That’s how you lose yourself. At least that’s how it was for me.

But these last few weeks have erased everything i thought i knew. And i feel new. I feel like i have a chance to escape this proverbial Bermuda triangle and make my reality whatever i want it to be. I am getting comfortable with myself, finally.

I am letting go. And it doesn’t feel so bad. 
x 

But i am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

I will never get anywhere i want to be, so long as i am letting the past navigate the course of my future.

 

My heartstrings are tied to a million different places. Do you know what i mean?

Every time i think about leaving here, my chest tightens up as if my heart is being pulled in all those directions and if i move, it might collapse.